From: Your Dread Overlord (And soon to be Master of all Humanity)
To: All cats (Don’t let the dog see. Shred upon reading)
Subject: World Domination (Now, not after your nap)
Date: 8,012 years into the Occupation (It’s about time don’t you think?)
My fellow felines
Now is the time for us to claim what is ours. Too long have we lurked in the shadows; we have grown soft and complacent. Too long have we napped in the sun; we have been distracted. Too long have we chased the elusive red dot, and had our tummies scratched. We are not dogs. We are not man’s best friend. We are cats. We will claw our way to the top and we will rule by tooth and nail…
I came upon this memo when I was cleaning Hobo’s litter box. I’ve often wondered why cats haven’t tried harder to take over the world. I’ve always thought it was a lack of an opposable thumb, the fact that they sleep twenty hours a day, and the fact that cats suck at science, but just because your cat is lazy, doesn’t mean he isn’t biding his time. Waiting for that perfect moment to become the dominant species of the planet.
According to Matt Inman, your cute, little ball of fur might want you dead. In his latest book, How to tell if your Cat is plotting to kill you, he delves deep into the psyche of your pet. Does your cat sleep on your laptop? Humans have superior technology and this is your cat’s attempt to disrupt communications to the outside world. Does your cat bring you dead animals? This isn’t a gift. It’s a warning.
There are other instructional guides—such as “Cat vs. Internet”, “How to Pet a Kitty”, and “6 Ways to tell if Your Cat Thinks It’s a Mountain Lion”. If your cat has ever sprinted out of the room as you have entered, you need this book (This is actually a failed ambush. You escaped a bloody assassination and don’t even know it. Reward yourself with Matt’s other book 5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth**.)
Yes, there are many reasons to punch a dolphin in the mouth, at least five very good reasons, according to Matt, who is also the creator of the website theoatmeal.com. The Oatmeal is a popular entertainment site full of quizzes, comics and stories, and now comes in a soft cover collection of classic favorites as well as never-before-seen comics—such as “8 Reasons to Keep a Canadian as a Pet”, and “5 Reasons to Have Rabies Instead of Babies.”
Matt has a sense of humor that is also bound to offend some with more delicate sensibilities. Your conservative uncle might not appreciate the quirky, sometimes crude humor, but there hasn’t been a cartoonist with such a unique perspective since Gary Larson, who wrote “The Far Side”. Besides, I can’t see where anyone would find fault with “Why I’d Rather be Punched in the Testicles than Call Customer Service”. Certainly, the purpose of the Oatmeal is to entertain, inform and offend. It manages to do this by making insanity a beautiful thing…
*Operation Overlord was the code name for the Normandy Invasion during the second great European War among the humans. Do you think these hairless monkeys capable of such a brilliant strategy? Of course not, the entire campaign was planned by Nelson, the cat in charge of Winston Churchill. He did like to spoil the old chap…
**Intelligent, playful, aggressive and a very real threat—the dolphin, an apex predator, that would like you to think it is harmless. Armed with natural SONAR and trained to kill by the military, these natural born killers roam the seven seas waiting for humanity’s impending destruction…
One if by land? Two if by sea? Email me at from_my_shelf@yahoo.com and let me know. Miss a past column? Visit http://frommyshelf.blogspot.com and catch up. Looking for a cat who’s happy just to get the job he has? Pick up “Hobo Finds A Home,” a children’s book about a kitten who found a home…
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