Take Two, and Submit to Me in the Morning

Dr. Faustus

The universe strives for balance. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I should know. I’m a man of science. I’m not angry. I’m not even mad. I am, however, a little miffed about certain stereotypes.

I don’t spend all my time dilation in a secret laboratory, hidden away from the continuum. I enjoy taking evening constitutionals through the Whitechapel district circa 1888, and observing Deimos and Phobos struggling against the dark embrace of night. The iron oxide in the atmosphere makes for a gorgeous sunset.

I regularly partake of a hyperborean, fermented beverage after I’ve programmed the ‘bot to shear the sward, and I enjoy socializing with colleagues. One never knows what new, neural synapses will spark when in such stimulating company.

After all, I’m not married to my career: I do have a wife. She makes an excellent omelet as well as having a Ph.D. in particle physics. My, what that femina can do with tomato, Brie, bacon, a little basil and a cyclotron. We even have a pet feline named Schrödinger, though he’s been augmented with titanium claws and we let him out whenever he wishes.

I’m completely sane. I swear. I’ve chosen my career path carefully. Science is sacrifice. I’m doing this for the good of humanity. I’m just misunderstood. Scientists with SCGPD* have it tough, and no one knows this as well as editor John Joseph Adams.

He’s gathered twenty-two nefarious and all-conquering tales in The Mad Scientist’s Guide to World Domination. You can now delve into those malicious minds with the help from such authors as Diana Gibaldon, Austin Grossman, Naomi Novik, Neil Gaiman, and other evil geniuses. Some names have been changed to protect the guilty.

What is visible radiation without the penumbra? The best heroes are defined by their nemesis. Behind every spandex covered superhero lurks a diabolical villain in a ratty lab coat to give him purpose. Who is more vital? The passive and boring hero or the dashing villain who sets the plot in motion? Who has the most fun?

It’s just not fair. I’m besieged by those who stand against progress. The horde of gargantuan, mutated chipmunks armed with Gauss riffles? Vaporized! They were for your protection. The army of genetically engineered velociraptors with X-ray vision? Eviscerated! It was simply to see if you were paying attention. Why must you challenge my every move for world domination?

Captain Sparrow has hindered me not once, not twice, but enough times to fill several issues of comic books, with potential of a spin-off series, a graphic novel or three, and a motion picture trilogy filmed in 3D IMAX, and surround smell. Humanity’s hero has risen. It’s my job to see he flies too close to the sun. Relax, my good captain, you’ll only feel a pinch. After all, I’m doing this for your own good…
*Schizotypal Creative Genius Personality Disorder. It’s a bona fide psychological disorder, really.

Get irked? Or get parallel? Comment and let me know. Miscalculate and miss a past data cache? You can get previous results at http://frommyshelf.blogspot.com. Would you prefer to peruse a delightful tale of a brave young kit that yearned to solve the universal equation? Pick up a autographed edition of “Hobo Finds A Home”, and solve all your problems…