How to Fight Presidents

Kevin Coolidge

America, the land of the free because of the brave—where you can grow up to be anything you dream, including the president. You know this is true, because your teacher told you so. Well, I hate to rain on your 4th of July, but you will never be the leader of the free world.

You need charisma, nerves of steel, and a fundraising network, and that’s just to get in the game. You also have to be at least thirty five years of age, born on US soil, and live for at least fourteen years in America. Don’t worry, your parent’s basement counts.

Don’t feel too bad. You’d have to be foolish to want the job anyway. Only someone with a giant ego and blind self-confidence would want it. Slandered, scrutinized, shot at, you’d have to be a lunatic.

Our founding fathers were passionate, reckless, and nutcases. After reading about the men American chose to lead, Daniel O’Brien knew he didn’t have the specific version of crazy required to be one. They were just too passionate, too tough and too crazy. Instead he chose to write How to Fight Presidents.

He started thinking about what it would take to defeat a president mentally, psychologically or physically – should he have to travel back in time and face one of these mad men. Hopefully, one of those men would not be George Washington. America’s first president rather enjoyed being shot at.

The idea that Washington enjoyed being shot at isn’t conjecture. In a letter to his brother, Washington wrote, “ I heard the bullets whistle and, believe me, there is something charming to the sound of bullets.” He would return from battles unscathed, but with bullet holes in his clothing. He actually believed he could not be killed in battle…He was never proven wrong.

Andrew Jackson was a wild eyed, hard-fighting man, but he didn’t wait for adulthood. In 1780, at the age of thirteen, he was captured by the British. He was ordered to shine the shoes of his captors, but refused. He was rewarded with a long gash by a sword across his cheek.

He was then forced to march shoeless, without food or water, for forty miles from one prison camp to another, with small pox. He also participated in thirteen duels* that we know of. He lived to duel, and there’s only one way you can participate in multiple duels…You’re really freaking good at them.

Teddy Roosevelt is without question the wildest and craziest president we have ever had or will ever have. He was sickly as a child, and complained of upset stomachs, headaches, and asthma. His fathered wanted him to toughen up, and told young Teddy that he had “the mind but…not the body, and without the help of the body, the mind cannot go as far as it should.”

TR took up boxing, wrestling, hunting, running, and fighting. He beat his sickness, even the asthma. He forced himself to take the harshest, toughest path available. He summed up his philosophy simply: “Man does in fact become fearless by sheer dint of practicing fearlessness.”

Roosevelt was never injured in battle, but he was shot while campaigning for a third term. Instead of treating the wound, he delivered his speech with an undressed, bleeding bullet hole. Lesser men might have used this as a excuse to cut the speech short, but he spoke…for an hour and a half.

In How to Fight Presidents, Daniel has gathered the most interesting, exciting and bizarre facts about the psychopaths who have declared themselves the protectors of life, liberty, and the American way of life. You’ll know to watch for Van Buren’s left hook, what JFK’s weaknesses are, and to not make any sudden movements around Teddy Roosevelt…

*Some historians dispute this number, but they all agree that Jackson loved him some dueling.

Lead? Follow? Or get out of the way? Email me at from_my_shelf@yahoo.com and let me know. Miss a past column? Let me lead you to http://frommyshelf.blogspot.com and you can cast your vote. Join me in making “Bring your Claymore to Work Day” a national reality. Keep strong America. Keep sharp.

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