I Want to be President

Kevin Coolidge

I want to grow up to be the President of the United States. Who doesn’t? The perks are great-- free housing, an experienced household staff paid for by the taxpayers, private plane, bullet-proof car, guaranteed media exposure, my own bowling alley, and all with access to nuclear weapons. Plus, when I die, I get a parade!

Sure, once I take the oath of office, someone I have never met will want me dead. Okay, probably a whole lot of somebody’s, and the population of some nations. Yes, the probability of being assassinated dramatically increases, but I get to throw out the first pitch on opening day, and I bet front-row tickets to Dancing with the Stars is totally going to happen.

In theory, there are only two qualifications to run for president of the United States. The candidate must be at least 35 years of age, and a natural-born citizen of the United States. I’ve met the minimum requirements to be elected president. There’s already been one Coolidge in the White House. Surely, it’s time for another.

Being president isn’t actually all that hard. Approval numbers aren’t a problem once you are in office. You’re guaranteed at least four years, and maybe eight if you have a good speechwriter and if you are better-looking than your opponent. If you think about it, and I certainly have, it’s pretty hard to screw up things up bad enough to be fired, or impeached, if you read history and like big words.

It’s a pretty secure* sinecure. Former presidents have started wars for no reason, had sex with interns, undermined Congressional policy, and don’t even ask about the cover-ups. If you want to be the first President to actually be impeached, you are going to have to lose Alaska in an arm wrestling match to the English Prime Minister, and you can always just quit like Nixon.

Becoming president—getting elected—is much, much harder than being president. For help with this, I read So You Want To Be President? by John Warner. It may appear that there is no real formula to winning the presidency. There have been several winning strategies, but I’m not a war hero, or a Hollywood actor.

John has thought of everything. All I have to do is work through the scenarios and exercises and be better prepared for the hard work of an actual election. This book won’t guarantee me victory, but it will guarantee fun. Now I just have to come up with my political slogan. I’m thinking, “Putting the Cool back in Political”…


*The only job more secure than being president of the United States is Supreme Court Justice. That’s a position appointed for life. That means you get to stay on the bench even if you drool in your oatmeal, or flip a coin to make decisions about the laws that govern our nation. Do these people even show up for work? Who keeps track? I’m betting there are morning Sotomayor never takes her PJs off. Hmmm…

Hail to the chief? Or the hell with this job? Email me at from_my_shelf@yahoo.com and let me know. Miss a past column? Just access the secret bunker for past columns at frommyshelf.blogspot.com. Hobo wants to be president, but he can’t decide if he’s technically nine years old, or fifty-two. He’ll just have to settle for being First Cat, and author of “Hobo Finds A Home”…