Aristotle and an Aardvark

Kevin Coolidge

So, I’m playing Texas Hold ‘em with the Pope, President Bush, and Hillary. Obama is too young to play with anything except pennies, so we didn’t invite him, and McCain went to Mexico to buy cheap Viagra. No wonder he’s for NAFTA. The Pope is broke again and trying to convince the rest of us to let him throw his big, pointy hat into the pot, but what am I going to do with it? I could sell it on EBay, but it’d be a pain to mail. Hillary decides to light a Cuban cigar, and crack a joke, “Did you see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? I couldn't tell if he was running for president or bartender.”* Wait a moment. I’ve been handed yet another memo from the legal department. It appears that if I am going to finish this column, I’m going to have to read this disclaimer: Please note that views expressed here are those of the columnist. We neither agree, disagree, condone nor claim that any of his ramblings actually approach reality. Besides, our sources claim that the Pope only plays the nickel slots, and we called Bill, and he said Hillary would take Pennsylvania, but wouldn’t smoke a cigar…

The last time Pennsylvania’s primary actually made a difference was 1976. So you can be sure that we’ll have lots of doublespeak flying our way, and that’s why I picked up a copy of "Aristotle and an Aardvark Go To Washington: Understanding Political Doublespeak Through Philosophy and Jokes" by Thomas Cathcart & Daniel Klein. These authors of "Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar" aren’t falling for any election year tricky talk or weasel words, and neither should you.
Cathcart and Klein break out some great jokes as well as political cartoons. They explain what politicians are really up to when they state: “The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.” (Donald Rumsfeld); “It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.” (Bill Clinton), or even “I am the Flail of God. If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you.” (Genghis Khan) I find it refreshing to hear an honest politician speak his mind. You can always count on the “Scourge of God “ to tell it as he saw it. No, wait--that was the diplomat, Attila the Hun.

Have you ever heard a politician deliver a speech or press conference and know in your gut that their pronouncements were certifiable BS, but you just couldn’t put your finger on why? Sure, sometimes the speaker fails to make sense simply because they convey a straight-out lie. This book will help you with the subtler stuff. For example, words that have been cunningly crafted to sound like they mean something important and compelling, but that upon careful inspection can be revealed to be bull scatology, which is far more insidious than outright lying, because it can be harder to detect.

Utilizing quotes from Al Sharpton to Adolf Hitler, Hillary Clinton to Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfield and Genghis Khan, these philosophical comedians help us learn and identify many stratagems. There’s the “Texas Sharpshooter Fallacy”, where you shoot a bunch of holes in the barn door and then draw a target around them. There’s “Doublespeak”, such as electronic intercepts NOT wiretapping. And then there’s the good old “So’s your mother” argument, which is misleading by getting personal, “Your Mom wears combat boots”, which reminds me my high school days.

Presidential candidates often seem to cloud the issues saying anything and everything to get elected. Appearing to have said nothing and everything on both sides of an issue all in the same breath. They are speaking another language, and this book can help translate. I found it quick and easy to read, hard to put down, and funny, but the authors have a lot of material to work with. I believe Will Rogers nailed it when he said, “There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.” Now, I have to be off. I’m going hunting with Dick Cheney. I hear its open season on Qualye...

*Joke originally told by Jay Leno, much to Hillary’s chagrin. You don’t actually think she’s that funny?