Monday, July 27, 2009

The All-American Road Trip

Kevin Coolidge


“Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?” Jack Kerouac

I hear the whisper of pines. The road is calling. Throwing a battered suitcase into the back of my Pinto, I drive to the Pine Creek Gorge, gem of the Northeast, located just ten miles outside Wellsboro, Pennsylvania. Recently the Pennsylvania Grand Canyon has been thrust into the national spotlight for receiving a “cease and desist” order from lawyers representing the Arizona State Tourist Board. The statement demands that all Tioga County Organizations and residents stop calling The Pine Creek Gorge, “The Pennsylvania Grand Canyon.” Ben Dover, senior director commented, "America's Grand Canyon is in Arizona. We encourage all Americans to accept nothing less than the real thing." Hmm, I wonder if my friend Laurel has heard about the local festival held in June?
If You Must Go:
Wellsboro Are Chamber of Commerce
114 Main St
Wellsboro PA 16901

It’s summer – time for that venture known as vacation, and there's nothing more American than the love of the open road. I love not knowing what lies around the next bend. Every drive has a beginning and an end, but it's the journey that matters. Wanderlust flows through my veins. Yes, it’s time for an all-American road trip, and no boring, humdrum guidebook for me! That’s why I’m using Road Trip USA: All the Places Your Dad Never Stopped At written by Harmon Leon and published by National Lampoon Press.

Why go to Disneyland when you can get kicked out of a religious cult with free food, lots of cult-babes, and kickboxing? Why visit the Batman Returns Stunt Show at Six Flags when you can take a tour of duty in fake Iraq, complete with method actors? And why visit Hoover Dam when you can visit Louisiana where cockfighting is still legal and considered family-oriented entertainment?

Part travelogue, part diary, part investigative journalism—Road Trip USA follows the adventures of Harmon as he leaves the beaten path, finding the true diseased underbelly of America, with a sense of adventure, and complete abandonment of common sense. He goes shopping in Hilldale, Utah among a tribe of identically-dressed wives. He experiences the big “O”, that’s Lake Okeechobee, Florida, where it’s only $170 to blow away a wild boar, but it will cost you five grand if you happen to accidently shoot one of the guide’s hunting dogs.

Harmon also includes great tips on budget lodging and suggests inexpensive, creative solutions to traveling problems. There’s a section on how to turn your iron into a hotplate by placing it handle down on top of an empty tissue box, and how to stay awake once your supply of energy drinks has run dry—such as thinking of all the people who might bury you in a shallow grave if you pull over to sleep at that desolate rest area. This list includes drifters, disgruntled truckers, hooker serial killers, and of course Canadians. There are also salutes to towns with funny names—such as Intercourse, PA; Happy, TX; and Sweet Lips, TN.

So sit back and let Harmon do the driving as he takes you on a journey filled with oddities, ironies, and insanities. He’ll be your tour guide for some of the funniest and strangest destinations in the USA. Buckle up, because we have a long way to drive, but it doesn’t matter. The road is life...

Planes? Trains? Or Automobiles? Drop me an email at frommyshelf@epix.net. Miss a past column? Make http://frommyshelf.blogspot.com your destination. Have you had your own adventure with the supernatural? I’m starting a book on what’s weird in Wellsboro and the Twin Tiers. Ghosts, haints, spooks, and creepy tales, drop me an email and share your weird story.

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