HOLIDAYS ON ICE

Kevin Coolidge


Ho, ho, oh, I just want this holiday season to be over. My back aches. My cheeks are numb from smiling, and this red suit makes my butt look fat – and still the kids keep coming and coming. This used to be a good gig, but what started as a three-week seasonal avocation has turned into a two-month grind. It starts the day after Halloween with its sugar-laden latex up to New Year's Day with its remorse and resolutions. The hours are exhausting and you wouldn’t believe the pressure. I have to answer to the mall, the parents, and that damn photographer, and don't forget the controlling boss, the kid. I’m supposed to be a cross between a birthday clown and God, and it's a lot to carry on my red velvet shoulders. Kids have always been tough customers. But it used to be "What does Mrs. Klaus do?” Now it’s “what direction is the stock market going?” I sure could use a shot, a smoke, and a chuckle, and here are some of the books I’m reading on my break…


Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris: If you are dreading the holiday season, then this hilarious book filled with sarcasm and cynicism is for you. My favorite was the SantaLand Diaries, where David works as one of Santa’s elves at Macy’s. If you’ve worked in retail, you’ll appreciate these bitter Santa’s helpers…

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Zombies!: A Book of Zombie Christmas Carols by Michael P. Spradlin: Few things cannot be improved with the addition of animated carrion, and with such soon-to-be classics such as--"I Saw Mommy Chewing Santa Claus" and "Deck the Halls with Parts of Wally"--Christmas caroling is fun again. So buy it, barricade the door, and prepare for the hordes of rotting carolers...

The Zombie Night before Christmas by H. Parker Kelley: ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a zombie was stirring… This illustrated book finds Santa attempting to turn back a full-out, flesh-devouring zombie attack. Sure, this book might make Clement Moore roll over in his grave, but that's why you leave milk, cookies, and some shotgun shells out for old Saint Nick....

Drinking with Dickens by Cedric Dickens: Written by the great-grandson of Charles Dickens, he shares his forebear's taste for "enlivening fluids". All drinks mentioned in the famous novels are included, 69 in all. Also included is the origins of various drinks as well as their social significance to Victorian England, and the contents of Dickens’ wine cellar when he passed away. I guess he passed on the figgy pudding and went straight to the "Dog's Nose" punch. Nothing like the hair of the dog that bit you....

Well, my benny is over. It’s time to drag my red velvet butt out there and finish my shift. I think I'll see if the cute elf in wrapping wants to get naughty and save Santa the trip...

Neat? Or on the rocks? Drop me an email at from_my_shelf@yahoo.com and let me know. Miss a past column? For undiluted content, unwrap and unwind at http://frommyshelf.blogspot.com. Looking for a stocking stuffer? Ho, Ho, Hobo, don’t forget about the cat who wrote a book, “Hobo Finds A Home”, a children’s book about a cat who wanted more than what life offered him.