Nothing to Fear, but Fear, and…

Kevin Coolidge

Keep calm and carry on. There’s nothing to fear here, or at least that’s the official position of the government. “The flesh-eating living dead don’t actually exist”, said a spokesman for the Centers for Disease Control. “The CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead, or one that would present zombie-like symptoms.”

I don’t know about you, but when a government agency feels the need to give official reassurance, I’m inclined to trust my own infestation plan, and cold-forged steel. Sure, your house has its own victory garden, you have plywood pre-cut for the windows, and you spent your vacation money on a water filtration system, but sometimes you have to leave the house.

I never leave home without my emergency kit. It contains a roll of duct tape, ten feet of rope, a sturdy knife, two quarts of water, two packages of beef jerky, some dried fruit, a can of bacon, towels, an extra shirt, and small crowbar – just right for cracking skulls, or prying off face biters – and, of course, a napalm fed flame-thrower. It’s good to be prepared.

Unfortunately, after reading John Dies @ the End by David Wong, I learned that a zombie apocalypse is actually the best-case scenario. It’s too late for me. I’ve read the book. I’m in the game. I’m under the eye. I know about Korrok, about the invasion, about the future. It’s too late for me. I didn’t have the chance to say no. You still do.

If you make the right choice and stop reading the column here, I’ll have a much harder time explaining how to fight off the otherworldly invasion that threatens to enslave humanity. I’m sorry to have involved you in this, but as you read about the terrible events in John Dies @ the End, and the Dark Age the world will enter as a result, please keep in mind that NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT.

It all started one day when I called David Wong and his best friend John. No, not their real names. You might want to change yours. I did. These aren’t the guys to call if you need a carburetor rebuilt. These guys have a unique specialty. My sister’s old boyfriend has been harassing her. He won’t leave her alone. Anyone else would call the police, but the real problem is that the boyfriend’s been dead for months.

Have you ever seen movement out of the corner of your eye, turn, and nothing is there? Ever seen a cat at the top of the stairs, only to remember you don’t have a cat? You’ve always known there’s something else out there, and now there’s proof, but don’t say I ever warned you. We all die at the end…

Courage, the lack of fear? Or the ability to face it? Email me at from_my_shelf@yahoo.com and let me know. Miss a past column? Visit http://frommyshelf.blogspot.com and see all our past columns. Looking for a bright, cheerful book with a happy ending? Look no further than “Hobo Finds A Home”, a children’s book about a cat who finds a home. Guaranteed free of interdimensional aliens, or fleeting shadows…