The Wolf Takes the Stand

Kevin Coolidge



“Your Honor, I’d like to call Canis lupus to the stand.”

“Oh, that’s me,” said the Big Bad Wolf, loping past the court reporter. “That’s my Latin name. Just call me Wolf. Everybody does.”

“Mr. Wolf. You stand accused of the murder of Grandma, and the violation of Red Riding Hood. How do you plead?”

“I’d like to state for the record that I am not guilty.”

“Mr. Wolf, it is widely known that you are a killer.”

“I’m a apex predator, the very top of my trophic level. That refers to my position in the food chain.

“So, you are not a herbivore, Mr. Wolf?”

“No, I don’t eat plants. I’m a meat eater, a carnivore.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, as I stated, the wolf is designed to kill. I refer to exhibit A, the canine teeth--sharp and pointed; adapted to puncturing, slashing, and clinging. The teeth even “interlock” to grip and hang on to struggling prey. Also, Exhibit B, the back teeth, or carnassial molars, are designed to crush bones and shear meat.”

“It may sound violent,” yelped Wolf, “but I’m actually pretty docile and have an aversion to fighting. Predation is not an act of violence. It is the act of obtaining food for survival. I did state for the record that I eat meat. I prefer moose or caribou, but without a pack, these large game animals are too difficult.”

“I’ll also eat mice, rabbits, hare, squirrels, and chipmunks. I do prey on the weak, sick and young---which keeps herds healthy and strong. You humans, on the other hand, kill indiscriminately, often taking bucks and breeding females.”

“Humanity is not on trial here,” snarls the attorney. “Are there not cases of wolves killing humans?”

“No documented cases. My cousin the Gray Wolf did do time for an aggravated assault, and he wasn’t himself. He was a sick wolf. He had rabies.”

“Ha, so you admit that wolves will attack people!”

“He was cornered. Biting the hand of a shepherd is not mutton one. I mean, murder one.”

“So, wolves do kill livestock!”

“Wolves have been known to kill sheep or cattle. We can go days without eating, but we need meat. It’s not usually a pack, but one or two wolves. We have a bad rap sheet. Even though livestock are more often killed by feral dogs, we get framed for the carcass if a canine print is found nearby. You humans stink of death, but you can’t smell to save your life.”

“Where were you on the night that Grandma was brutally murdered?” howls the lawyer.

“I was traveling with my pack. Our territories can be hundreds of square miles. I wasn’t anywhere near there.”

“I suppose you have an alibi?” growls the lawyer.

“I was with my mate and pack. There are seven of us. Actually if the pack is too large, it is less efficient and there is less food per wolf.”

“It’s mankind that is harassing my kind. Pushing us into remote areas. Killing, blaming and pressuring--I’d like to submit a document in my defense. It is titled Of Wolves and Men written by Barry Holstun Lopez. It’s a wealth of observation, as well as mythology and mysticism, that surrounds our lives and shows an effort to understand the trials wolves have faced.”

“Someone must pay for this slaughter!” yowls the prosecutor, as he wildly gestures to the court room. “Are not wolves associated with danger and destruction? Does death not follow in his wake?!”

“Is it just me or is it hot in here?” the prosecutor then exclaims, ripping open his shirt, exposing a heaving chest dark with coarse hair. “Your Honor, I respectively request a recess so that I may devour the jury…”

The strength of the wolf is the pack? Or the strength of the pack is the wolf? Email me at from_my_shelf@yahoo.com and give me your verdict. Ravenous for past columns? Follow my lead and go to http://frommyshelf,blogspot,com Hobo is actually a wolf in cat’s clothing. Stop by and I’ll show you his zipper…