The Science of Vampires

Kevin Coolidge

Hmmm, salt, garlic, silver crucifix, wooden stakes, iron stakes, and because I like to hedge my bets, a napalm fed flamethrower. Ok, the flamethrower and napalm is homemade. First you take orange juice concentrate and some gasoline…. Never mind, there’s no time for that. I have to exterminate my lawyer*. I really don’t want to, but he’s a bloodsucking parasite. Sure, I see you nodding your head, but I mean he’s a leech, a fang boy, a corpsesicle. He really drinks blood. He’s a vampire.

Vampires are real, not figments of fantasy or superstition. They are everywhere. Waiting for the darkness. Waiting for us to let our guard down. Waiting for us to forget. That’s why I decided to read up on my undead foes…

The Science of Vampires by Katherine Ramsland, Ph.D.: This author has a master’s degree in forensic psychology. Her book offers a fascinating investigation into the myths and realities of the vampire. What is vampire personality disorder? What causes a physical addiction to another’s blood? How could a vampire hide in today’s world of advanced forensic science? Does this come in black? Criminologists may study the monster in the man, but the real monsters stalk the shadows…

The Sookie Stackhouse book series by Charlaine Harris: Sookie has a problem. She can read minds, and that makes having a romantic relationship close to impossible. Dating a vampire has an unexpected benefit. Her predilection for reading minds doesn't seem to work with him, but violence follows in his wake. The series details the co-existence of vampires and humans in Bon Temps, a fictional small Louisiana town. This is all possible due to the creation of TruBlood™ by Japanese scientists. TruBlood™ allows vampires to get all their nourishment through the synthetic blood, and theoretically leave humans alone. Hmmm, I better finish my Bloody Mary before it clots…

The Twilight Series by Stepheie Myers: She is the author of the books Twilight, along with the sequels New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. The Twilight saga follows the adventures of Isabella Swan (nicknamed Bella), a teenager who moves to Forks, Washington and finds her life turned upside down when she falls in love with a vampire named Edward Cullen.

The series has gained a cult following among young adult readers. Fans have been officially dubbed “Twilighters”. Many dress up like the characters. They write their own fan fiction about them, post their tales on the Internet. When Stephenie Meyer appears at a bookstore, 3,000 people go to meet her. There are Twilight-themed rock bands. The small town of Forks on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State is a real town, and has thus received am unusual amount of attention, and now celebrates “Stephenie Meyer Day” on September 13, the date of character Bella Swan’s birthday, in honor of the author. So, just why has this series become so immensely popular? As Shakespeare knew, love burns hotter when love is forbidden, and this pair of lovers is extremely star-crossed.

Blood Sucking Fiends and You Suck by Christopher Moore: You meet the girl of your dreams and she’s dead. No, make that undead, and, now surprise! You are a vampire too. Yes, love bites, and Christopher Moore knows it. You Suck, a love story, is Moore’s tenth novel and sequel to Blood Sucking Fiends, his third novel.

Christopher Moore is an American writer of absurdist fiction. His novels typically involve an ordinary guy thrust into supernatural or extraordinary circumstances, and often touch on political, environmental, or social concerns. Think John Steinbeck mixed with Kurt Vonnegut. Nope, You Suck is not your typical vampire story. I guess that’s what happens when you fall for the ghoul necks door…

The night is dark and cold, a good night for hunting. Now where did I put my ultraviolet flares and crossbow???


*This column does not advocate violence to attorneys or the undead.

Tired of endless, death-warmed-over, mountain gossip? Then excavate the vault at frommyshelf.blogspot.com. Hobo is resurrected this month in the new version of “Hobo Finds A Home” Can’t get enough of Hobo? Be sure to watch for Hobo, the multivitamin, now with extra vitamin C!!!