Chlorinating the Gene Pool

Kevin Coolidge

“Only two things are infinite—the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the universe.”… Albert Einstein

One day a park ranger joined a crowd that had gathered to watch a bear. One woman and her little boy stood out in the crowd. She was smearing something all over the boy’s face. The ranger asked the woman what she was doing. She answered. “Putting honey on him, of course!” Stunned, he asked the obvious question: Why?

She answered matter-of-factly, “I want to take a picture of the bear licking it off his face!”……

Survival of the fittest, better known as natural selection, is a basic tenant of modern biology. Any individual organism which succeeds in reproducing itself will contribute to the survival of the species, though sometimes the sole purpose is to serve as a bad example to others. These individuals will unlikely ever be recipients of the Nobel Prize, but they can be honored with their very own “Darwin” award.

A Darwin award is an “honor” named after evolutionary theorist Charles Darwin. Awards are given for people who "do a service to Humanity by removing themselves from the Gene pool”. According to Wendy Northcutt, author of the Darwin Award books: "The Awards honor people who ensure the long-term survival of the human race by removing themselves from the gene pool in a sublimely idiotic fashion.”

All races, cultures, and socioeconomic groups are eligible to compete. Contenders are evaluated using the following criteria:

The candidate must remove himself from the gene pool: The Darwin awards celebrate the self-removal of incompetent genetic material from humanity. The potential winner must render himself deceased or incapable of reproducing. The man who “tried to make a horse do something she didn’t want to do”, and was bitten in the process qualifies…

The candidate must exhibit an astounding misapplication of judgment: The award is intended to be funny, and we aren’t talking about common stupidities—such as smoking in bed. We’re talking as using live ammunition as a fuse…

The candidate must be the cause of his own demise: The candidate’s own gross ineptitude must be the cause of the incident. A hapless bystander killed with a rock dropped from a great height is a terrible accident. If a do-it-yourselfer is killed by an anvil he rigged to kill that annoying chipmunk in his backyard, that’s comedy…

The candidate must be a capable of sound judgment: Humans are generally capable of sound judgment. Nominees must be 16 years or older and free of mental defect. That means no children, Alzheimer’s disease sufferers, or Down syndrome patients. Remembering to measure the length of the bungee cords, and having the foresight to anchor the bitter end, but not accounting for the stretched length being greater than the distance between the bridge and the ground, that qualifies you…

The event must be verified: The story must be documented by a reliable source—such a newspaper article or responsible eyewitness. No Photoshop or chain emails please. If a story is found to be untrue, it is disqualified, but particularly amusing ones are placed in the urban legend section. The jet-assisted Impala may have been debunked, but the need for speed and poor judgment is forever with us…

The Darwin Awards books by Wendy Northcutt are cautionary tales of misadventure assembled and intended to be viewed as a comical safety manual, not a how-to guide. Please do not try these at home. These stories are not meant to be read all at once, but savored, and are most appealing when consumed a few at a time. Wendy walks that fine line between horror and humor. So pay attention, stay alive, and celebrate the survival of the fit enough… where the winner is …eliminated!

Evolution? Or intelligent design? Email me at frommyshelf@epix.net For past incarnations of former columns, visit frommyshelf.blogspot.com. Hobo is a cat with nine lives, read about his current existence in “Hobo Finds A Home” a children’s story about a cat who left the farm for adventure and a new life.