5 Very Good Reasons To Punch A Dolphin In The Mouth*

Kevin Coolidge


Intelligent, playful, aggressive and a very real threat—the dolphin, an apex predator, that would like you to think it is harmless. Armed with natural SONAR and trained to kill by the military, these natural born killers roam the seven seas having unprotected sex, and just waiting for humanity’s impending destruction…

Yes, there are many reasons to punch a dolphin in the mouth, at least five very good reasons, according to Matthew Inman, creator of the website theoatmeal.com. The Oatmeal is a popular entertainment site full of quizzes, comics and stories, and now comes in a soft cover collection of classic favorites as well as never-before-seen comics—such as 8 Reasons to Keep a Canadian as a Pet, and 5 Reasons to Have Rabies Instead of Babies. Each copy of 5 Very Good Reasons To Punch A Dolphin In The Mouth also comes with a pull-out poster of why Matthew believes that printers were sent from Hell to make us miserable.

Have you ever worried how long you could survive chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor or worried how long it would take you to become infected if bitten by a zombie? Of course you have, and now you can have the scientifically-proven answers to know whether you should save that mercy bullet for yourself or your loved one, or whether you should let your dinosaur take the top or bottom bunk.

Matt Inman used to create websites for a living and his knowledge of tech is shown in his comic essay, “Why it’s better to pretend you don’t know anything about computers.” If you know anything about computers, and have helped a family member fix an issue, then you know you’re going to be getting the call instead of tech support, and please don’t let them talk you into building them a webpage. When Matt had enough and quit his soul-sucking job and started drawing comics, the Oatmeal was born.

Some of Matt’s comics are educational – for example, his series on grammar. You can learn the right way to use an apostrophe, the three most common uses of irony, and when to use i.e. in a sentence while being entertained by images of Bigfoot and unicorns being blasted by a claymore, i.e., a directional mine which explodes shrapnel into a designated kill zone. There are also 14 Things Worth Knowing about Cheese, Twenty Things Worth Knowing About Beer, and how Nikola Tesla was an insanely brilliant geek who would have provided free energy for the entire world if that bastard J.P. Morgan hadn’t shut him down.

Matt has a sense of humor that is also bound to offend some with more delicate sensibilities. Your conservative uncle might not appreciate 6 Ways to Fight a Crack Whore, though I can’t see where anyone would find fault with Why I’d Rather be Punched in the Testicles than Call Customer Service. Certainly, the purpose of the Oatmeal is to entertain, inform and offend. It manages to do this by making insanity a beautiful thing…

*No Dolphins were harmed in the writing of this column; well, not yet.

Dolphins…the mammal? Or the fish? Drop me an email at from_my_shelf@yahoo.com and let me know. Miss a past column? Cast your line at http://frommyshelf.blogspot.com and catch up. Looking for a children’s book? Catch “Hobo Finds A Home” a children’s book about a cat who ate dolphin-free tuna…