Friday, July 29, 2016

Make America Bacon

Are you a democrat? A republican? Are you truly represented by your government? I’m Kevin Coolidge and I’m running for President. It’s time to put a Coolidge back in the White House. I was going to change my last name to Bacon, but I don’t want to interfere with Kevin Bacon’s fan base.

I represent the majority of Americans. I love bacon—crispy, chewy, as a garnish. Bacon is the bipartisan meat. This November vote bacon and vote for America. As the president, I’ll be open to all your bacon recipes.

Sundays I’ll be holding an informal brunch served with crispy bacon, or chewy if you insist. Don’t be dressing up, because we need a casual day. Heck, don’t shave if you don’t want to. I’m not. We’ll discuss the past weeks yummy bacon ideas and delicious bacon thoughts for the upcoming week.

Every week a different member of the bacon community will join me. Please bring a bacon dish to pass. If you haven’t learned how to properly cook bacon, I’ll teach you. Just bring a rasher of bacon and a cold six pack.

Building a great BLT is like building our American infrastructure. It starts with great bacon, but don’t forget the zesty tomatoes, the crispy lettuce, tangy mayonnaise, and the bread to keep it all together. Building a better BLT is like building a better tomorrow for America.

I’ll use my executive orders to abolish hunger, and to breed better bacon. I’ll not only fulfill America's growing protein requirements, but usher in a new era of peace, prosperity and bacon for all.

To bacon or not to bacon? Is that even a question? It’s salty, smoky and sweet, and it makes everything better. There’s a bacon renaissance sweeping the country and you can join the movement.

This November cast your vote for the Bacon Party. It’s time for the bacon lover to be represented. Vote bacon, the bipartisan meat. Paid for by the committee to make bacon even better!

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