Love, Sex and Tractors

Kevin Coolidge

When asked to define love, I could not find my tongue. I wished to expound on its nature. To praise a woman whose beauty has launched a thousand ships, and men have fought, and bled, and gotten sepsis and scurvy over. Perhaps Ovid said it best: “Love, it is a kind of warfare.” Yup, just like a man to compare love with battle, but within the minds of men it is. We struggle with our pride, pay homage to our honor, and seek an answer in our hearts. But love isn’t an action movie. We don’t get to blow anything up or have car chases, and the only thing a man risks breaking is his heart.

Nope, men just don’t understand women. It’s not our fault. Women attend “Women School.” You don’t think it’s a coincidence that all women say the same things, demand the same things and complain about the same things? Yep, women old and young thin and fat, mothers and daughters. They’re alike because they have all attended women school. What do you think they’re doing in the ladies room? It doesn’t take five gals to go to the bathroom. It’s a class called confusing men 101.

You’d like to tilt the balance. You could grab one of those relationship books from the self-help section, but they are mostly written by women for women. Wouldn’t you like to read a book from the male perspective? If you have an easier time understanding how a carburetor works than the female brain, then you don’t have to look any farther than Roger Welsch author of Love, Sex and Tractors and the instructive follow-up Everything I Know About Women, I Learned From My Tractor. Welsch is a folklorist, humorist, and writer who has appeared on the CBS News Sunday Morning program with a segment called “Postcards from Nebraska”.

Love, sex and tractors? You betcha. When a man writes about tractor repair, he is writing about love sex and relationships, and when a man is writing about love, sex and relationships, he is writing about tractor repair. The way a guy approaches these tasks is pretty much the same. Folks, these are not books filled with hypothetical theories written by therapists with more letters behind their names than a bowl of alphabet soup, but practical advice by a guy who’s been banished to the workshop with nothing but a pillow and a pair of fluffy, bunny slippers. Roger gives real and practical spousal survival hints and explains exactly where you screwed up and how to fix it.

You might as well face it. Sooner or later, probably sooner, you are going to mess up. It really doesn’t matter what you have done wrong. Or that you have done anything wrong at all. Although, if you are a typical, red-blooded male, you have almost certainly done something wrong, and that is where the male generic apology comes in. This is one handy piece of advice that you should laminate and carry with you at all times.

Old Roger reveals the mysteries of life, love and axle grease. With his shop manual of love, he will guide you through the language of love (men and women speak a different language), finding the right woman for you (probably not at the strip club), courtship (don’t make your first date a monster truck rally), and if you are already married how to collect tractors without being thrown out by your spouse.
He offers shop techniques for when your daughter starts dating starting with, “If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.” And delves into the differences between the sexes:” Yes means no, no means no in all cases where no does not mean yes, and yes maybe means yes, but sometimes also no.

Course, why fix something that ain’t broken? A man knows that any engine needs proper preventative maintenance. The best way to keep a motor purring is to change the oil regular and give it tender loving care. So, take that extra minute to put the toilet seat down, and at least maybe try that thing called laundry sorting. Tractors and restoration may be easier, more gratifying, quieter and easier to get along with, but women smell nicer…

Kevin Coolidge putters around at From My Shelf Books in Wellsboro Pennsylvania. Check it out at www.wellsborobookstore.com