Monday, April 27, 2015

Everything Unicorn

Unicorns are creatures of myth, or at least that's what the government wants you to believe, but we know the cold, sparkly truth at From My Shelf Books & Gifts. Deep in the hills of Tioga County Pennsylvania(not Tioga NY, they do have griffins there, or so I've heard) lies tucked into an enchanted unicorn is our unicorn farm.

Now, we didn't use to believe in unicorns either, but when I read Raising Unicorns: Your Step-By-Step Guide to Starting and Running a Successful - And Magical Unicorn Farm We changed our mind at the bookstore. Getting our first pair of breeding unicorns was a challenge.

We had to import our unicorns all the way from Scotland. The unicorn is the national animal of Scotland, much like the boring Bald Eagle is America's. Sure, we could have raised Bald Eagles, and they are nice enough, but you can't make a sandwich out of them(it's illegal to hurt an eagle) and eagles just aren't magical.

After we learned to raise unicorns, we had to do something to pay for the farm. Unicorns can be expensive. So we introduced Unicorn Fart Soap. It's our most environmentally friendly soap. We capture the methane from our sparkly, magical unicorns and we infuse it into this soap. Unicorns are magic and even their flatulence smells like a meadow after a spring rain. It's simply lovely.

Raising unicorns is tough work, and sometimes those unicorns get an injury while scampering in the sunshine, and for that we use special unicorn bandages. We've made some of these bandages available for our customers. You can cover your minor scrapes and scratches with these Enchanted Unicorn bandages and pretend that you’re in a magical land where pain doesn't exist.

We all know that the mysterious and magical unicorn is a very real creature, very real indeed. We've managed to channel its noble spiritual force into each of these wondrous fridge magnets. Feel the strength of purity and innocence emanating from your fridge door or file cabinet as you arrange the magnets into poems and fly through verbal rainbows on your magical language steed.

Unicorns are magic, but your hands aren't. Your hand is fine, but it lacks a certain… magic. You need Handicorn! This set of five soft vinyl finger puppets (four hooves and a unicorn head) takes your humdrum human hand and terrifically transforms it into a unicorn!

Unicorns are so precious that we don't waste a single bit, and though unicorns are magical, they don't live forever. We don't believe in wasting that magical goodness, and we've made it available in a perfectly preserved can of unicorn meat. It's the perfect gift for your favorite unicorn lover.

As a potential unicorn farmer, you will face many challenges. It requires more planning than most businesses. It's a common misconception that unicorns are docile creatures. If a unicorns routine is disrupted, it's not pretty.

When unicorns receive the wrong training. They go bad and become jerks, really big jerks.They talk and text in the movie theater. They are judgmental of your taste in music, and they never replace the toilet paper roll.

When you point out their behavior, they act like you are the jerk. That's why you are going to need planning to make your unicorn farm profitable. You need this book, and some red licorice...

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